shorts/cuts

A Brief Encounter with my Future Son

2008-08-27T09:24:00.001-07:00

Almost noon. The train is taking forever. I tapped my feet impatiently.

"Mommy!", two little arms suddenly enveloped my waist. "Mommy, ko!!", the little critter squealed. What the hell? I looked down and saw the cutest little toddler I've ever seen. Dumbfounded, I just smiled politely and tried to look around. Where the hell are the parents of this kiddo?

"Lennon! Lennon! O geez!", said a man behind me.

"Oh, this must be yours", I said trying to politely detach myself from the little hug machine. I was trying to gesture for him to move towards his....Dad or brother?

"Uhm, I'm really sorry about him. Come here, Lenny." he said.

"Oh, no problem", I stammered as I was still in the process of unfastening myself from the little human seat belt.

"Mommy!! Mommy, please go home!", Little Lenny begged.

Ooooohkay! I laughed nervously. This is kinda freaking me out. It made me think it was some sort of modus operandi.

"Lennon, that's not your...mommy. Come over here", the guy said as he tried to slowly remove his grasp.

"I'm really sorry about this.", he explained as he manage to separate Lennon, the little booger from his mighty embrace.

Lennon began to whimper. O dammit, why does he have to do that?

"That's ok, Lennon. I'm not mad at you. Here you can have my chocolate. Be a good boy, ok?", I offered M&M minis in my purse and gave him a little pat on the head.

Bashfully, he took it.

"Say thank you, to the nice lady, Len", he ordered.

"Thank...thank you...Mommy", Lennon half-whispered. I coudln't help but smile. Whatta cute little critter you are Lennon. Although, I don't particularly appreciate you calling me your mother.

" Uhm, I'm really..terribly sorry about this.", the guy said for the last time.

"Oh, no biggie", I said. I was about to turn around when he offered a hand.

Normally, people mistook me for either Regine Velasquez or Judy Anne Santos. But yeah, they both look liked the already mothered a kid or two so I'll take that as a compliment I guess....because that's how I roll.

"Uhm, I'm Ted by the way, wait I didn't get your name", he said extending his arm.

O great. See I know this is an modus operandi.

"Yeah. I didn't give it you" would have been my reply. But I was feeling less paranoid and more sociable at that time. Besides, he ain't that bad looking.

"Jorge", I responded.

"Harrison?", he squeezed my hand lightly. It was soft.. Hmmm. not bad for a guy.

"No, Clooney. You related to the Bundys?", I said blankly.

"Bundy?", he asked.

"Ted Bundy? You know, PSYCHO?", I said raising my eyebrow. What the hell was I doing? Making this weird conversation with a stranger.

Finally I can hear the train... it's coming! Finally, let me out of here. I'm going to be late.

"Oh, nice one. O well, it's nice meeting you Jorge. Again, I apologize for this little guy." tightening his grip on Lenny's arm just in case he slip away and tries chasing little girls.

"Uhm. Yeah, Don't let Lenny go chasing random women... ", I said as the the train stop to a halt.

Ted grinned revealing a dimple on his left cheek.

I entered waving goodbye to little Lenny who was about to whimper again. They entered the other train.

Several thoughts run through my mind as the train traveled 30 miles per hour:

1. How old do people think I am? Am I that old? Do I look like a married woman?

2. If yes, how many kids do these people think I have?

3. Is Ted Lennon's father or brother?

4. Why is it complicated? Did their mother abandoned them (assuming Ted is his brother)? Or did "Mommy" died?

5. Why do I bother thinking about this random weird encounter?

6. Do I really have a weird appeal to the masses?

7. Will I be fired when I get to the office because I flunked the audit thing?

8. Will they ever found out that I was not able to double check the other files because I'm too lazy to look for it?

9. What will I eat for lunch?

~~10. Will I ever see Ted again?~~

Mental Note: Beware of Hug machines in MRT stations.

Back to Square 1

2008-06-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

The sisterhood series presents:

Back to Square One

Kirsten Jane Cardinoza stomped her way out of the restaurant. She felt steam coming out of her head. She needs to get out there fast before her head starts to launch into outer space. She rummaged her purse. Where is my fucking cellphone?

Speed Dial 3. Ring.ring.ring. Fourth ring. For crissakes, pick up the phone Goldie.

Fifth ring. Voicemail. " Hi this is Goldie. I'm probably busy saving innocent lives, leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Goldie, where are you? 911. Call me back.

-o0o-

Alexis Gutierrez was perplexed. Gold or white? On a regular weekend, A is either getting a mani-pedi or perhaps going through mind-boggling fashion magazines or just simply being perplexed.... on what shoes she's going to take home and set aside her rack of imeldific glory.

Ring. It was K. Yes, dear. A answered.

Where are you?

Do you really want to know?

Eeww. Eeew. Eeew

I'm shoe shopping. Duh?

Ow. So where?

Where else?

Can you wait for me?

Are you done with the date? Geez, it was just been what... 10 minutes?

K deflected the bullet. So can you wait for me?

A was sensing a dark cloud hovering. OKAY. Be waiting right here.. So what do you think.. Gold or white?

But K already hung up.

Ok Gold it is..

-o0o-

Goldie woke up feeling groggy. She checked her phone. 15 new messages. 10 missed calls. 5 new voice messages. Geez, who could it be?? She wondered. But of course, who else would leave her 15 new messages, 10 missed calls and 5 new voice messages.

Voice message no 1 : Goldie, where are you? 911 call me back.
Voice message no 2: You better be saving the world or else... Call me back. I swear.
Voice message no 3: I mean it. it's 911.
Voice message no 4: Goldie Gonzales, get your fat ass up and call me back. Please!
Voice message no 5: Unless your drowning yourself in the bath tub. Don't bother.

Okay.Okay. Geez, can I have a life for once? On a regular weekend, Golide was either sticking needles in arms, changing wet diapers, reading a good book or just dozing off.

She changed her scrubs to whatever is left in her laundry --black shirt and jeans. Way to go, Goldie.

-o0o-

Agi was patiently waiting for the results. Her own version of Dr. Steamy came out with the scans. Adorable. He'd better be bringing the good news. She inhaled and stood up.

Ms. Evangelista-Schmidt, let's go inside.

Perfect. What are we going to do now? Agi was trying to clear her head.

The office was small but nonetheless cozy. She wasn't feeling claustrophobic for once in her life. The walls were white and there were frames hanging with a. His Medical Diploma b. An award from Med School c. A scanned photo of what seems like a vajajay ( was it just her subconscious) It was like a rorschach picture.

Ms. Evangelista-Schmidt? Agi was distracted.

Uhm.. You can just call me Agi, Doc. I mean Evangelista-Schmidt is quite long don't you think.

Doc McSteamy smiled and showed his dimple. Agi just died and needed a defibrillator to revive her.

There was a silent beep. She knew it wasn't her heartbeat. 1 new message.

Not now. I'm still dead and Doc McSteamy needs to perform CPR. She didn't even care for the results anymore.

-o0o-

Ursula Valdez was panting. She was nearly out of breath for running. She has been running for 30 minutes now. Running for an apparent reason.....to get into shape of course. On a regular weekend there are just two things Ula does 1. Run 2. Carnal Arts. The music was blaring but she felt it vibrate.

It was her phone. It was A.

Ula left out a holler.

What's your status?

I'm running. What now?

Can you meet us in... 10 minutes?

Where? Ok be right there in a jiffy.

-o0o-

At the coffee shop, K was waiting for her favorite coffee blend. She felt she needed all the caffeine to get over this tragedy.

Are you okay? A pat her back

I felt numb. I need my caffeine.

Do you want to wait for the girls? You can give me a head start.

I can wait. Waiting was not K's best virtue. But for now, she can manage.

-o0o-

Dominique Co Chai Lai has reached her boiling point. That's it I give up! She screamed. It was her tenth attempt.

I'm never going to bake again....ever... She was flustered. And even being she can start ranting, her phone rang.

"Hi Toots. What's up?"

Where? Now? She looked at the kitchen, it was a mess. But mess is good, right? At least she was trying.

She was being her usual OC self, trying to perfect her brownies.

The sight of the kitchen made her cringe. Ok, deal with the mess and then go forth to whatever emergency waiting. It's not a matter of life and death,right?

By the time she was done with the kitchen, her phone rang.

She picked up. Be right there!!!

Stop being OC and get your ass in here, it was Agi.

Nice to hear from you too. I'll be right THERE.

Dee walked out the door and a few strides there she was..outside the coffee shop.

The girls sitting in their usual table - Alexis, Kirsten, Goldie, Ula and Agi. Their very first reunion in months. And it was odd because usually when she walked it, there was laughing and giggling and sometimes screeching. Did someone died?

The chimes sounded as she entered carrying her fresh batch. Care for some brownies? She offered.

Is it rock solid as before? I'm still constipated from the last batch. Goldie mused.

She raised an eyebrow to Goldie who recoiled and offer her a seat.

The girls were all seated patiently waiting for each other to break the ice. K finally spoke. The room felt silent.

K just ended her 2 year relationship with Mr. Awesome a.k.a No. 9. 9 on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest. Mr. Awesome was perfect. It perfect because it was the closest thing K wanted. Perfect! And now, it's back to square one.

Out of Time

2008-04-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Manong, don't use the PAJERO to go the wet market, the BENZ na lang.

Miguel shouted across the room. He was rinsing the dishes. Another day has passed. He felt weary. They're almost home ---coming from their EURO TRIP. He was practicing his skills in the gourmet department. To no avail, it was failed attempt number ten. He asked Manong to do the grocery for him. He was dead tired. He was practicing on his homemade chicken adobo.

Fuck it.

His frustration grew when he saw his pug---Sammy peed on the living room carpet.

Double fuck it.

Nevertheless, seeing Sammy made him smile. Sammy never failed to amuse him. Despite the fact that he's now deaf and going senile.

Sanity. He needed it badly.

He felt pressured. He wanted this badly. He will do everything to make it happen. It was almost seven p.m. He felt his heart stop when he heard the doorbell.. No it can't be. Nooooo!

Silvia went to get the door. It was Tish. Tish, her trusty neighbor carrying a basket full of ingredients. Tish--his lifesaver.

Miguel don't know how he would ever survive the night without Tish's help.

In just 1 hour and 3o minutes, they were able to prepare a gourmet dinner. He felt relieved.

The door bell rang for the second time. This time he was sure that doom's day has arrived. He can feel his heart beat racing.. It was not or never.

Isabelina

2008-03-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

Mother superior made it very clear.. She wants the pious and the well-bred. Cecille was definitely not on her list. She just transferred from another boarding school. This was her last hope. Her parents practically shoved her into this school. It was this or off to Siberia.

She was sitting inside an old fashioned office. The smell is putrid. Nuns aren't really particular with hygiene nowadays. She thought. But maybe it was Mother Superior's cologne... or natural scent maybe? She wasn't paying attention to any of her ramblings, her lectures about good manners and right conduct. She has heard of it---from Father Bruno and Sister Adriana and even Mang Ambo, the school' janitor. She wants to sink into oblivion.

The phone rang. Finally, an end to the Sister's diatribe. She looked at her and rolled her eyes. Maybe she's on her menopausal stage. Again, she could care less. The call seemed important. She was asked to come back for the final frontier...Mother Superior's counseling was like watching a silent movie. She didn't have to say anything to make the whole thing seem like a waking dream. She only nodded when she has to. She remained quiet during the weekly sermons. She has gotten used to being talked down to. It was useless to respond.

It wasn't her fault. She was not that juvenile way back. She was Mama's favorite. But maybe shit just happens. In the long run and in the grander plans of the Omnipotent....maybe she was destined to be the rotten fruit in the bunch. It was not her fault.

It was her third time to be called to the principal's office. First time, she was accused of cheating. When in fact, she was the one being cheated on. She refused to defend herself. What was the whole point of arguing when every time she feels like uttering a single word, she becomes weary and nauseous. She disliked her school. She felt like her IQ is dropping 10 times faster because of her lousy classmates. They only know three things: boys, boys and boys. For some reason she was disgusted. It was like the dark ages. It was mental stagnation.

Second time that she was called was when she unintentionally broke Sister Marguerite's wrist while in the middle of demonstrating the art of self-defense.

It was in this second instance, that brought about her final demise. She finally hit rock bottom.

Every Friday, all juveniles---meaning the rejects and the misunderstood are gathered in what they call as community extension service. Detention for short. They were asked to scrub the floors of the Rendo Home. It was more like a geriatric ward than a dormitory. It was uncomfortably quiet and creepy.

There she met Lucy. Lucy was the delinquent in her perspective. She was a regular in detentions, based on what the sisters told. She was there for several reasons. She got caught smoking pot in her Theology class. She almost set the Chemistry lab on fire. And she stole Mother Superior's chastity belt (because she was dared by her other troubled friends).

Lucy was pretty but was quite a rascal. Her skin was smooth, her hair was long and her lips were really cherry red. She was very lady like except her voice was really hoarse. And it sounded like a young boy on the peak of his puberty.

Lucy and Cecille were anything but two peas in a pod. Cecille is introverted and maybe shows two to three symptoms of mild autism. Lucy was loud and carefree.

Lucy has always been curious of Cecille. Ever since she met her. She was quiet and seemed like someone who reads the bible everyday. She wondered why on earth would this pathetic, meek girl be so troubled. Lucy tried to befriend Cecille. But Cecille kept her distance. Right after detention is over, Cecille goes straight home.

But one time, an unsuspected event happened that led Cecille into her final demise.

Sister Stella came up to them. Her aura itself gives off a vibe of apocalypse. It was bad news. They need to extend detention. Mang Ambo had an emergency. He cannot come for work. The rendo home needs an overhaul---the stench and filth is unimaginable. There will be visitors from the nearby convent. Maybe a convention of witches, Cecille thought. And since charity and poverty are one of the sisters' values, they dragged the detainees into temporarily assuming his role.

Just before Sister Stella left attend the Angelus, she reminded the girls to return the cleaning materials to the maintenance's room. The lock was busted, she reminded. One time, Mang Ambo locked himself in. Mother Superior almost got a cardiac arrest when she found out.

When she left, Lucy threw the mop. " That's it, I'm done with this shit", she exalted.

Cecille remained silent.

"Do you want to be stuck here? I have to bounce.", Lucy said

"I don't think that's possible", Cecille finally decided to respond.

" And she speaks.. I thought you're a total retard. Let's get out of here before the hag returns", Lucy retorted.

Cecille just let out a sigh.

" You can go if you want. I just need to finish this." Cecille continued with the sweeping.

" You know, I'm wondering what you did to piss off the hags. Why are you here?", Lucy asked.

Cecille remained silent.

"Did you bring porn in class? O wait, you got caught masturbating while hearing the First Friday Mass...right?? Yeah, I knew it... It was you, right???", Lucy continued.

Cecille was still unwavering.

"You know it's normal.", Lucy said walking away.

" N N Normal? ", Cecille stammered.

"Yes...it's perfectly normal to masturbate. It's healthy too. Don't worry, I won't tell Sister Stella", Lucy answered. *wink*

" Someone's obviously horny....", Cecille rebounded.

" Don't be a hypocrite. You probably do it more often than I do.", Lucy replied.

Laughter.

For the first time, Cecille was not weary.

" So are you with me? Let's get out of this joint, it's way to dragging for us, horny school girls.", Lucy insisted.

" I'm almost done with my part. Why don't you just do your share and then we can leave", said Cecille.

" Honey, have you seen the filth. I ain't laying my finger in this decaying hell hole. I'm off.", she started walking away.

"You know, you can't go out. Manong guard will not let us. "

" I can handle him...what's you name???"

"Cecille...."

"Alright Cecille.. watch and learn...."

Lucy walked slyly towards Manong guard. She whispered on his ear. He let out a manly giggle and walked away.

"What did you say?"

"It's for me keep and you to find out...are you with me, I still have a jamming session to catch..."

"alright alright. Can you help me return these cleaning materials though...."

"Fine fine... let's hurry. "

Cecille opened the door. The creaking sound gave her the goosebumps. The maintenance room was equally filthy but more putrid than ever. It smelled like death. She tried to switch the lights on but it was not working. Busted.

Lucy was behind her. She could feel her breath in her nape.

" Hurry. It's dark and smelly. " Lucy pushed her.

Just when they were done loading the cleaning materials, the door slammed shut.

Scream

"Wtf."

"The door is jammed. Shit. Sister Stella told us to be careful the lock is busted.", Cecille whispered.

"Why the hell are you whispering? Shouldn't we be shouting or screaming our lungs out?"

Scream

" What's the point? You lured the guard away. We are practically out of earshot. The dorm is empty. The sisters won't be back unless dinner is already over." Cecille sighed in defeat.

From the darkness, she could feel the intensity. It was making her uncomfortable than scared. The room was not that spacious. She felt like the walls are closing in on her.

"Cecille are you still alive"

"Yeah.. I'm just....claustrophobic...I guess"

"It feels like eternity here. " Lucy banged the thick wooden door. But to no avail, it will not bulge.

Cecille felt like sitting down. She was getting more and more nauseous.

"Can you move aside, I'd like to sit", Cecille nudge.

" Well, since you can't see, let me tell you that I'm two inches from inhaling the wall", Lucy said.
She checked her pocket and felt that her lighter was there.

Click.click. No flame.

"Perfect, I'm out of butane", exasperated she nearly banged her head on the wall.

Cecille was hyperventilating.

"Hey, I may not see you but I'm definitely hearing you....eeeeeww...what is that sound??"

" I can't.....I can't breath...."

"What??? What do you mean?? You're out of oxygen???"

"I....I can't breath...I'm not joking...."

Despite the blackness, he felt like her sight was growing dimmer and dimmer.

Lucy tried to feel her. She held her hand.

Hey you're hands are cold.

That's..... that's....not....mine,....

WTF.

No...i'm just....kidding...

Asshole. here... She motioned for her to sit..

Just relax....

Cecille was trying hard but she felt her world growing dimmer and dimmer...

I...I think...I might....f....."

"hey..hey...hey....don't faint...Cecille..the hell!"

Lucy can feel Cecille's weight pressing on her. Lucy wanted to scream but decided not too...

It was total darkness. Her pulse was really faint. Lucy can tell. She has to do something fast.

She tried to feel Cecille's face... Her breathing was very shallow. She placed her head on her bosom. She can feel her faint heartbeat.

Well it's good thing I know a thing or two about first aid. Lucy thought.

She tried to lay Cecille's head on the cold floor. She cupped her face and very slowly their lips touched. She opened her mouth. CPR.

Slowly and then suddenly a rush of air filled Cecille's lungs. She almost gasped. Instantaneously, she felt odd. She felt Lucy's lips on hers. They were soft. For one brief moment, she felt like she tasted her. It tasted like strawberries. Maybe it was the lip balm. Five seconds. Lucy pulled back. Even in darkness, Cecille can tell that Lucy was blushing.

" Why'd you black out like that?" Lucy cleared her throat.

"Uhm... I'm claustrophobic... I didn't mean to..." Cecille gushed. Again, a growing discomfort rising from her gut.

Bullcrap. You kissed backed. Was it your first? You don't even know my name.

Lucy. I know your name. And I didn't do it on purpose.

So was it your first kiss??

It was not a kiss. Our lips touched but it was not a kiss. But thank you.thank you for the CPR.
Cecille tried to grope for the door...she unlock it with all of her might.

Lucy laughed. You didn't answer me.

Was it your first? I bet it's your first. She continued to tease.

How can you tell if it's my first or not? Are you some kissing expert?

Ha. Maybe.

Was I bad at it?

So it was your first..... Well.. as they say practice makes perfect. Lucy tried to reach for her face.

What are you doing?

Practice. I'll teach you... Lucy grabbed her by the neck and began kissing her cheek.

Cecille tried to block Lucy.

I'm doing you a favor, Cecille. In the real world, you only get to make a perfect kiss.

Lucy again kissing her right check and eventually her chin.. It was a hit and miss.

Cecille tried to pull back but she felt defeated...Maybe by the lack of Oxygen in her brain or maybe something else. She gave it.

Their lips touched once more. Lucy's lips were tender...no..it was light..it was like cotton candy. This time Lucy opened her mouth and let out her tongue. Cecille was caught off guard at first. She didn't know what to do. Slightly,she just opened her mouth and let Lucy take her. Their tongues met for the first time. She did taste the strawberries. Their breathing became heavy and so is their kissing. It was as if she was hers and hers was she. Cecille kissed her hard and bit her lip.. then her neck and back to her lips. Lucy lured her back to her lips. She felt like she is drowning and entering another world. A world away from her dysfunctional family, away from the nagging nuns, away from the stereotypical world. They were fading fast. They were in a trance.

Suddenly a loud thud. The door was kicked open.

There stood the devil in white drapes. It was Mother Superior.

She was mortified by what she saw. She felt her veins constrict. Another heart attack? Instead a wide utter disgust plastered on her ancient face.

It was beyond horror to see her two young girls in lip lock. Well, it was that plus some bodily fluids.

That was Cecille's third and final offense.

For some reason, she wasn't ashamed. For some reason, she liked Lucy's lips on her. For some reason, she felt comforted of feeling Lucy's warmth.

It was odd. But for a certain reason, she felt really good.

blink

2008-03-20T08:58:00.001-07:00

"LIFE is like nintendo without the reset button."

Quiet. It's deafening when you're trying hard to think clearly. The invisible sound of your brain when it's trying to process information is defeaning. Your soul is astir though. It's having it's own sugar high, it's adrenaline rush. However, your brain, your ultimate weapon sits right on top. Millions of neurons short-circuiting, synapses bend and snap. There's nothing to decipher. You're brain-dead or perhaps just thinking too hard.
You stare blankly at the wall trying to count the black ants that parade. Marching, marching, marching. Left, right, left.At least, they're working unlike you, you lie there dumbfounded. Dumbfounded..pondering why you count them, drones in and out of a small hole.
There's no hunger, no thirst that you feel. You just lie there quietly. You hum and hum. Weary, you felt weary. Then, eureka it hit you like, a lightning bolt that struck a tree. Instant electricity surging through your body. You find life so mundane. You can't even think straight. You're searching for some sort of cheap thrill you decide to get out of you're mouse hole. Looking outside the window, the view is quite calming, like camomile. The sky appears to be a combination of purple and orange or is it hellish red? You're confused. Maybe you're colorblind.
You step outside the balcony. The late afternoon breeze made you shiver. Looking down, it made you feel nauseated. Closing your eyes, you imagine yourself flying. Softly you land in deep slumber. You have found the reset button at last.
You're eyes hurt. Standing up, your eyes wander. There is nothing to see. Pitch black.It's still quiet. Suddenly, images appear. You see yourself when you were three. Images flash like the house you used to live in, the kids in the neighborhood, your first day in school,your 5th grade math teacher, the high school intramurals, your senior prom, t h/s graduation, your college entrance exam result, the big interview, your logic professor, midterm examinations wherein you aced the test (this is the first time you've done well in your exams! Good Job!), the hospital room where you're mom was confined, the loneliest christmas ever (which you almost spent it inside the hospital, your college graduation (which your mom missed), the day she died, her funeral. Many images flashing one by one like a deck of cards flashed infront of your eyes. It's nauseating. Your head is spinning. It's spinning too fast. You shouted. The images froze in suspended animation. You noticed one image. It suddenly moves into action, like a film rolling. There it is...the one wherein you were newly born. Your little feet being pulled out from your mom. The first cry. The first slap. Your official initiation. She's holding your fragile body which is wrapped in cloth, it's stained with blood. She smelled your forehead. You yawned. You felt comforted and very secure. She cuddled you in her arms. It brought you to tears.
Jolt. Jolt. Jolt. Squinting, blinking. Lights. Bright lights. Blinding lights. Consciousness reapproached. The ants, they continue to hum along and march. You on the otherhand are dumbfounded by what just happened. Again your synapses bend and snap. But nothing happened. You're brain must have gone haywire. It was the most exihilirating experience yet. I guess it's back to square one.
Quiet. It's deafening when you're trying hard to think clearly, the invisible sound of your brain when it's trying to process information is defeaning. Lucid dreaming at its finest is hard to master.

stories and music

2008-03-20T08:56:00.001-07:00

note: anne rice's inspiration gave birth to this piece...

In the beginning there was darkness. I don’t even know whether it was night or day. I felt safe. Then there were voices. Sometimes they would converse and at times I heard screams, shouts and cries. I could not see them. It was as though I was locked up and chained. I could barely move around in the tiny confined space. At times I felt hunger at times I do not. One time I heard music coming from outside. I began humming the tune. And often times, I heard stories. Stories that have happy endings. But I did not feel happy after hearing it. There was something inside me that made me feel melancholic. I began kicking and kicking. I felt my world rock steadily and then it stopped. It was an earthquake perhaps. Sometimes I cannot sleep. I feel that outside the weather is not good. Perhaps it is raining. I feel awful. The music is not playing anymore. The stories were gone. The crying was still heard. The screams and shouts grew louder each day. Then one day. I woke up. My world was tossing and shaking terribly.

My chain was still intact. I cannot breathe. It was raining outside. Flooding into my world. I was helpless. I was slipping into nothingness. I began panicking. Am I going to die? Then there was light. It was almost blinding. Now I can see. The chain was also removed. I was outside. I am in another world. There were still voices. And now I can see them. The one whose crying is has stopped. She was not saying anything. The voice that shouts is also there. He stared at me. It was cold. I didn’t care. I want to hear the voice of the woman—the one who keeps on crying. But she is not moving. Maybe she is asleep. Another came in the room. He said something to the man who keeps on shouting. It was bad news and he didn’t like it. He seemed sad. He stared at me and I didn’t care. I want to hear the voice that plays the music and tells the stories. The stories of happy endings. But I only saw a cloth being placed on top of her. She was not moving. Then the woman in white has come to take me away. I was scared. I didn’t want to leave the woman wrapped in cloth. I cried in protest. I cried and cried but nothing happened. The room was farther and farther away from me. The voice that tells me stories and plays me music is gone. The man who shouts is still there, he was the one who asked me to be taken away from the woman. I hated him. He didn’t like me one bit. The stories I will miss them and the music. The music that kept playing was gone forever. I began humming the tune because I will never hear it again. I will have more stories but they will no longer be of happy endings but of grief and sorrow. Of misery. Of loss. Of nothingness. Of what my world used to be like—dark and rainy.

wednesday

2008-03-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

In the absence of sanity, my mind wanders. Imagination is powerful. This is the fruit of a morbid imagination...

7 a.m the morning sun peeks at my window. Another perfect day. Or another of my nightmares. I thought I wouldn’t wake up from the amount of dosage I took last night. The after-effect was you’d feel like you’ve been through hell and back. I picked up my cell phone. No text messages and no missed calls either. Ok. So I guess it’s really over. Just when I was about to get up, the phone rang. On second thought..Nah it couldn’t be. “Hello?” I said. “You won’t believe who just called me a while ago, guess who?” the voice on the other end of the line squealed. “Umm, the crypt keeper?”, I mused. “NOOohh.. Come on..THINK”, the voice shouted in excitement. Actually that’s the problem I am unable to keep my mind working. Think is not really the word for the day. Sleep is much better. My body ached to touch the bed once more. “Hello? Are you still there?” she said. “Uh huh. I’m not really myself right now.

Can you like call back maybe 5 years from now..i just got to pull myself together”, I explained. “Are you all right? I am so sorry. How could I be so insensitive? Do you want me to come over”. “It’s fine. I’m just so.. (yawn) sleepy. “Can you just tell prince charming to wake sleeping beauty maybe after 24 hours or so”, I answered. “I cannot believe you’re still into him! Get over it girl. Let me come over your place. No, make that I am getting my booty there in like 5 minutes and I am going to make you feel better”, she urged. “No, I don’t want to feel better. I want to sleep. Bye”, I said hanging the phone. I don’t want to feel better. I want to sleep. The last words were lies. I do want to feel better and I do not want to sleep. I’ve been sleeping for two days now. I must buy a new brand of those little white pills. Later. I’ll just close my eyes and pretend it was Wednesday all over again.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Damn it I said do not come over. What part of it does he not understand? Slipping into my shorts I walk through the door and opened it. I was about to scream but found out there was no one there. I look through the halls. Empty. Lying on the floor was a box. Great! Now I’m receiving mysterious packages that would apparently just one of those scenes in the movies wherein you’ll find a note that says, “ Take me back. I am sorry”. Or maybe a bomb was placed inside to blow the living daylights out of me. The package had my name. No notes whatsoever. Rascally, I tore the wrapper of the box. Opening it, I found a shirt. There were words printed in it. It read: Wednesday 7 p.m. and there was a picture of 2 bears hugging. It could have melted my heart. But it didn’t. It was a sick joke. A very sick and demented joke perpetrated by someone who wants me to lose my sanity. Something was still inside the box. A note. It said: look outside the window. Great! What now? I hurried towards the window and found a man standing smiling at me holding balloons in his right hand and a big teddy on the other. “Can I come up? PLEASE”, he asked. I signaled for a yes. This is all part of a scam isn’t it? I asked myself not to fall for these feel-good appeal to emotions shit. But what can I say? I’ll go nuts to ignore such attempts.

The phone rang. Consciousness came back. I must have dosed off. “What?” I screamed. “Oh, mom. I’m fine.. What do you mean? I don’t sound horrible. I’m just tired that’s all. Yeah, I’ll just pick it up tomorrow. Thanks. How’s everything there? Yeah. I’m glad you did. Bye. Yeah, I miss you all too..Next week I guess. Ok bye.” Words just flowed. I am glad she called. I’ll be going home next week. That is if I’d still be here. The sun was already high. It must be noon. I am surprised. I didn’t feel hungry at all. I went to my bed again. Close my eyes and pretend it was the day I hoped it was—Wednesday.

Wish you were here was on the airwaves. I hummed along. It was the perfect day or maybe I thought it was. I passed by the old condo of my friend. That was where he used to live. I looked at his window. It was now empty. There used to be a blue colored curtain hanging. Enough reminiscing. It’ll make you sick. I told myself. I was so caught up looking at the damn place that I barely noticed that I was going to bump into someone. Sorry. I muttered. My name was called. I looked up. Great! Am I the loser of the day or what? What are you doing here? He said. "I just passed by. What? Is that a crime?", I bantered. "I’ll be moving in again. I guess I’ll be seeing you around." Then he walked away carrying a big box full of what was used to be a part of me. Damn that hurts. Seeing us walk away in different directions. I walked. And walked. And yes, walked. I did not know where I would be going. I guess I just let my feet take me wherever it does. This day was not perfect after all.

The alarm rang. What the? I did not set any alarm. I complained. "I did. It’s already 7 p.m. you’ve been sleep for like 24 hours now." The voice said. Who the hell? I was still waiting for consciousness to flood in. I tried to get up. I felt so tired again. When will this shit end? My mind screamed. I looked at the traitor that ended what could have been a wonderful nightmare. It was he. He smiled. I could have died right then and there. He gave me a hug. I tried to repel it but he over powered me. I put me head on his shoulders and smelled his scent. Now I could breathe easier. It was not cologne. It was him. I did not ask you to come. I did not ask for anything. I tried breaking away from his arms. "I know. That is the whole point no one asks for you to leave me. No one wants this all to end but you. You can’t stop pretending to feel you hate me or I hate you. Because I don’t. I never did. I will never do that to you. So please stop making things complicated." He answered. Words never sounded so pleasant as before. Why am I making this complicated? Actually I did not. Or maybe I was just so caught up with my pride. No I couldn’t be. He stared at my eyes. It could have melted me. So is this the stare game? What? Is this the part where I will say sorry and kiss you? I bantered. You are so smart, I never seen that coming. He teased back. I kissed his cheek and hugged him so tightly like the teddy he gave me. I spotted the calendar hanging at my door. Wednesday—the day I’ve been waiting. Suddenly, I searched for my pocket. I have a present for you. I said.

What? He sound confused. I hugged him tight again so he won’t be able to get loose. Raising my armed hand. Twice. Thrice. Or more. I plunged the pocketknife right where his heart is. His eyes were as big as the marbles lying in my floor. I smiled at his petrified self. Blood slowly flooded the floor and little by little his consciousness faded. He wasn’t even able to defend himself. I laughed. I am smart. What? Do you think I would fall for that same old shit you say and do? Not this time you two-faced cheater! Not for all the things you’ve put me through. Not for all the lies you said. Not for ruining my life. Not on my day. Not on Wednesday. Next week. Next week I’d be gone. On the same day that all hell broke loose—Wednesday.

note: i never thought i had such aggressive tendencies..oh well

FULL DISCLOSURE

2008-03-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

One puff. Two puffs. Three. The night was young and so was she. Only 21 but age does not really measures ones maturity. The woman pushed the cigarette butt into the ashtray. It was already midnight and she couldn’t sleep. How could she? For nights she was sleepless. She decided to unhook the receiver and dialed the numbers. She knew she had to tell someone. She couldn’t keep it to herself anymore. Telling someone about her story would probably ease the burden, she thought. It rang. Then came an answer.

Where would I start, she thought. Ah yes. She was 11 then, so young and fresh. Not until one night—the night she never thought she would dread for the rest of her life. She was helpless, she couldn’t do anything but to shut her eyes and think of a place, far away where she and her family are together. But in reality, she had none of her own. Her mother and father are living separate lives. No one really cared. That was what she felt. Living a liberated life was what she learned from her mother. And so be it. She explored. She wandered around and tried new things—things she wasn’t supposed to take.

One. Two. Three puffs. It seemed to be a perfect drug. It made her forget about her past but not for long. Soon she came upon the arms of different men, young and old. She didn’t seem to mind. It wasn’t done for love but as vengeance and a chance to get even. When she was through with her ritual, a vague feeling hit her. It was empty. She was empty. Nothing could fill the void that was inside her.

Whenever she stands in front of a mirror, she stared at her reflection wondering who the person is. It was a woman—a woman with so much pain and angst ready to burst. It sickened her. She felt like throwing up. In the outside though, it wasn’t like that at all. There was no trace of anger or misery. She seemed to be one of the crowds, not showing that deep inside her lies a dark secret. She didn’t fear that her secret was out; for it was her own decision to find someone she can talk about it with. It eased her for a moment after letting out her one-hour confession.

When she hanged the phone, a smile came upon her face. She sought vengeance but it wasn’t substantiated with what she has done in her life. It was ironic but it made her smile. She thought of what her life is now. How does she feel about her life right now? She didn’t know She felt nothing. Watching the moon shining brightly by her window, she lit another stick and just continued with her trance.

(inspired by a true story)

Lost in Reverie

2008-03-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Opening her eyes, she blinked. The sun shone above her face, it was almost blinding. Looking around, it was unfamiliar to her. The room was painted in white; with a table, a cabinet and certain apparatus were also beside it. Where is she? How did she get there? What time is it? How long has she been asleep? So many questions followed through her mind but she couldn’t remember anything. Not one bit. As she was about to rise, dizziness came. The room seemed to be spinning. The door opened and a young man in a light blue uniform came in. “Ah you are awake.” He greeted. “Where am I?’, she asked. “You’re safe here; you’ve been here for quite a while now. You were in a coma”, the man said while checking on a chart that was placed in a table. “I want to know how did I get here”, she insisted. “Yes, but you have to take it easy. I know you might feel a little nauseous. It’s normal. Don’t worry your doctor will be here in a minute, so just relax and don’t exert too much effort, for now”, the man explained. She was confused. She didn’t know what to do. Closing her eyes she fell in a dream-like states. Images flashed to her mind. It surprised her. What was that? It was like she was watching a re-run of a movie. It was familiar but for some reason she did not recognize the images that came to mind.

A girl was standing on the edge of a building. She didn’t know her. She saw her from the back. It was not clear, but it looked like she was about to jump. The wind sweep her hair, it felt good. In seconds, she was plummeting to the ground.

Sweat covered her face, as she woke up. The sun still shone brightly. It was a nightmare, she figured. Or was it? Was she the girl in her dream? The door opened again. This time a man in a white coat entered. He was holding a folder and smiled. Information was fed to her like food being swallowed. She finally knew how she ended up in the hospital and who she was. Still she felt confused. Why has she done it to herself? For weeks she underwent physical therapy sessions as well as psychological check ups and examinations. Little by little she remembers. She knew she had a fatal fall from a 3-storey building. The reasons still lie dormant in her idle memory. She wanted to find out soon. She was dying to know why. But only time will tell when she will finally came upon the memory of her sinister past.

(inspired by a true story)

Acquiesce

2008-03-20T08:47:00.001-07:00

It was getting dark. She peeked at the window and spotted the figure of his husband. The zigzagging man drew closer to the door. It made her shudder. Drunk again, she thought. Just before she opened the door, a loud thud was heard. When she opened it, the body of her husband lay cold. Gritting her teeth, she said to her self, “at least his out cold he would probably sleep through the night”. He mumbled words hard for her to comprehend. He was heavy and dragging him inside made her back ache. She was too tired and to sick of seeing him like a wreck. When she was able to settle him down to the couch, he began touching her and saying words she knew he only meant in this certain state of mind. “Wait ‘til his sober and he won’t probably remember a thing of what he said” she thought.

His hands continued to fondle her bosom. She told him to stop and go change but instead he held her in his arms and began kissing her hard. It made her want to scream, the taste of liquor overwhelmed her. Suddenly she felt like vomiting. He began undressing her. She was too tired to complain, just too tired. The next night was the same except that he was not that drunk. He was still in his sober state of mind. Upon entering the room, she looked at him. He was eyeing one her like a prey. Orders came out of his mouth. He wanted her to entertain him and to strip before him. She couldn’t believe what she heard. She reasoned that she was not feeling well and that she would like to sleep early but suddenly he started cursing her and saying hurtful words. It made her cry.

With a heavy heart, she did what her husband told her to do. But after that, she felt despondent. For many nights the same sexual perversions occurred. Alcoholism changed her husband a lot. She never realized that it would come to this point. She knew she had to do something to stop. She reported it on a women’s center and queried on having legal separation. However, days passed and her husband’s attitude slowly came back to normal. Surely, she didn’t want to have their marriage go to waste. Her contemplation was ended. She decided not to pursue a separation case. She wasn’t sure if she made the right decision. Pretty much she hope that she did.

(inspired by a true story)

live. me. alone

2006-05-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

No man is an island. Well, in my case.. I believe if you would have two distinct bold choices, you'll pick the lesser evil. Would you rather live independently staying in your not so distant relatives, who are secretly plotting revenge on you or be with a bunch of high school girls in corporate uniforms.

I happen to chose the later. Living all by yourself can be a form of suicide. If you happen to see the homeless people along Quezon Ave. I'm pretty sure they are the ones who took the risk but has gone wild.

Free will. It's very powerful. You are on your own. You own your life now--not that you've borrowed it from your parents. But parental consent can be so overrated once you've changed your address. You're now expanding your horizons and blending in with the unemployed, booze-loving, urban citizens of your third-world country.

Scary.

On my left, I can see a silhouette of a woman--a fresh from college girl-- holding a slick silver lighter. One click, a flame appeared and simultaneously she made a quick puff igniting the stick. It can't be that bad. She doesn't have a tattoo--at least a visible one.

She winked at me. A small shiver run down my spine. I gulped. Ok, sure. Maybe this won't be as bad as I imagined. She continued with her vice, while I continue to unpack. The doorbell rang.

I opened the door and there she was.. the devil wearing Prada-- or a.k.a the Queen B. Excuse me was the first two words she uttered. I stepped aside while 2 other people entered with luggages and whoah---a larger portable cabinet which I assumed contained books...or knives or....guns. The cabinet was slightly opened. I peeped to see if any of my hunches were correct. But instead, I saw one of two shiny pointed stilletos-- hot pink to be exact.

Perfect.

I heard a loud thud. Another person came in. She was thin but was carrying a massive duffel bag. On her left arm was another humongous luggage. I cannot imagine that such lanky figure can carry such unimaginable load. Seizing me up, she gestured for me to step aside. Her eyes rolled as she passed me by. Two words. Skinny. Bitch.

The silence was so loud you can hear the room breathe. No introductions were made yet. Before making the bold move of breaking the silence (which I was still contemplating on), the land lady appeared. She made a brief introduction of herself--which was mainly about the rent and the whole works. House rules were enumerated and thus making me wonder why I ever left home.

Before she left, she made it perfectly clear that she wants all her tenants to be in good terms. She doesn't expect them to literally act like a Stefford family. To quote-- " I don't want screaming and whining at 2:00 a.m. I don't want anyone to ruin my beauty sleep". I almost fell, from my seat.

Right after the door closed,the silence came back and I suddenly realized that maybe it was up to me to keep the ball rolling. But before I could do that the Q.B. came forward to introduce herself. I was speechless. She said her name. I don't know why I was dumbfounded. It made me felt like I was a kindergarten in the presence of a senior. She asked for my name. I nearly stammered so I cleared my throat and said my full name.

The three let out a laugh, upon hearing my unusual name. S.B.[Skinny Bitch] came forward, extending her hand not for a handshake but to shoo me away because I was an inch away from stepping on the strap of her duffel. The introduction happened afterwards.

And after finishing two sticks of cigarettes, the SS (Sultry Shadow) appeared and said her name.

The unpacking continued while each take turns explained why it's so much better to leave home and live alone. Let's save the story for later. The unpacking continued.

1 unit. 4 unremarkable personalities. At least for now I can say that war is brewing....on who gets which bed and who has first bathroom rights.

As for now, I can say three words. LIVE.ME.ALONE.